Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes Biography

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Perhaps the only type of quote better than a wise quote is a quote that, while conveying some universal truth, is also witty. If you’re in need of a good laugh — and really, who isn’t? — then check out our list of the top 100 funny quotes of all-time. Funny quotes are also good for making other people laugh; posting one of these quotes on Facebook or Twitter is sure to elicit many chuckles from your friends and followers. There’s a funny quote here for everybody: this list has everything from ironic statements and macabre jokes to bathroom humor. Also included are interpretations, which attempt to explain just what makes each quote so darn funny– the interpretations also come in handy for that one clueless person who always says, “I don’t get it” in response to your hilarious joke. (Don’t worry, this list has funny quotes about those types of people as well.)A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_funny.html#HSJeZRohxhRA5T8t.99 I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_funny.html#HSJeZRohxhRA5T8t.99 If you were half as funny as you think you are, you'd be twice as funny as you are now.” Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.” You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say moreThere's a funny thing about love, and it's called everything. Thankfully, some of our favorite comedians can relate, and we found the love quotes to prove it.

1. "You can't put a price tag on love. But if you could, I'd wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah

2. "I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand

3. "I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." — Rita Rudner

4. "I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" — Jean Illsley Clarke

5. "Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing." — Natasha Leggero

6. "I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% sex, 90% guilt." — Henny Youngman

7. "My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." — Garry Shandling

8. "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in." — Richard Jeni

9. "If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?" — Lily Tomlin

10. "Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld

11. "My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers

12. "Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family." — Chelsea Handler

13. "Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there." — George Burns

14. "I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." — Groucho Marx

15. "Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions." — Woody Allen

16. "If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz

17. "Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers." — Richard Pryor

18. "There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." — Chris Rock

19. "My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield

20. "I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself." — Johnny Carson

21. "My brother is gay and my parents don’t care, as long as he marries a doctor." — Elayne Boosler
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Johnny Carson

I'm an immensely shy and vulnerable woman. My husband has never seen me naked. Nor has he expressed the least desire to do so.

Dame Edna Everage

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Henny Youngman

You always find things in the last place you look... unless you're stund enough to keep looking after you find them.

Anonymous

Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.

Joey Adams

Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.